I've decided that 2013 is just not not my year. My birthday lies in the beginning of January, so I can really say that being 25 is just not my style. I haven't give up complete hope to turn things around for the final days of my mid-20s, (here's looking at you, back-half 20s) but I just have a feeling when my birthday rolls around I'll be at ease.

Looking back, I'd forgotten the reason I started this blog (the trigger point if you will). I only returned because that same thing, the person causing me ill-will has come back on me with a vengeance.

I live in a very small town and while the people are nice, I'm not really surrounded  by the type of people I would have chosen to surround myself by if I were in a bigger metropolitan area. So when I had the opportunity to move into this 2 bedroom house super close to my work, I tried to think of who best here would suit me as a roommate. Well, the main option I could think of was, naturally, Sam. We had pretty much already lived together for a few months anyway and our living styles seem to mesh well. Having been apart from each other for over 2 months, I thought the wounds would be healed and we could go on living platonic-ally. Sam thought it was a great idea as well, so here we are today still living together.

I've had a very stressful Fall, as most all of the recruits I brought in turned out to be duds. So goes the gamble investing in 17-18 year olds as they head off to this whole new world of college. Kids were consistently late to practice or just not even showing up and I was cutting kids left and right. They started calling me "the deletor" around the athletics department because as of last week, in just my two years here, I've filled out 30 student-athlete delete forms. This is not something I would say I'm proud of, but is to be expected inheriting a bottom-level program.

Sam, also being a coach, has shared in my sentiment through most of the Fall. I've constantly been reminded that I cannot instill the want in the kids myself, if they don't want to truly be the best athlete they can be, I shouldn't take offense to it and just let them go. It sounds easier than what it is, trust me. As coaches, we invest everything (time, our own money, tears, bodies at times, etc) in the athletes, so when they could care less of the end result, it really hits you hard. Somewhere along the way though, Sam began to be annoyed with my athlete problems and basically didn't want to hear any more. Okay, I can deal with that, as all I had were negatives to say. But when things started turning around for the team (which, thankfully they have), Sam didn't want to hear the positives either. It was around this time that I felt as if I were walking on eggshells.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I obviously have my own emotional problems, so those surrounding me must deal with my ups and downs. However, Sam's were 100% predicable. We went to dinner a few nights ago and the entire car ride I was told "you're annoying me. I shouldn't have come." etc etc etc. Gee, thanks. Glad you're enjoying my presence. We spent about the first 5 minutes in silence at the table and the next 10 or so on our phones. The food came and I'm a slow eater, so when Sam was done eating, I felt like the time clock was ticking. As if I could not get done with my food quick enough for us to get out of there so we could leave each others' presence. Fantastic.

There are stories on stories I could tell about how Sam has added to my emotional instability (which was conveniently pointed out how emotionally unstable I am last night, gee thanks, I haven't know THAT for over a decade....), but it's not worth my time or anyone reading this. All I know is that I've placed myself in a toxic environment and should have known better. I'm still not sure why Sam even agreed to move in with me, but I know that decision is being doubted at this moment as we cannot even stand to look at one another.

I guess I can share a slight update, roommate and job stories aside. I was experiencing reoccurring anxiety problems this summer, pulling up to work and feeling like there was a huge weight on my chest. I've had panic attacks and rarely experienced anxiety throughout the years, but this was turning into an everyday thing. So, I went and saw my doctor about it and told him I have also been dealing with depression for quite some time now so I was put on both Klonopin and Zoloft.  I had tried Wellbutrin back in the day (was forced to by my mother, thanks mom!), but saw no results. I still feel like medicines simply mask the root of the problem, that we need to address WHY we're depressed. It can be chemically linked for all I care, but if at the end of the day I still don't love myself, it doesn't matter how much serotonin or whatever else you pump in me. Stepping off my soap box, the Klon has been SUPER helpful. I actually see more of an effect if I use half of one than the full pill. A quarter for minor anxiety does the trick as well.

Now for the Zoloft... My sister warned me that when she had gone on this drug that she experienced lock-jaw and wound up in the ER. Sure enough, that's one of the symptoms (muscle rigidity or something along those lines). The nurse practitioner warned me that things would be weird at first and that he would be easing me into the normal dosage. Sure enough on day 1 I was at a stop light and all of a sudden it was like the ground was moving. I experienced hallucinations quite frequently, especially if I would be on a run. I was training for a road race, so I was pounding the pavement a lot and these instances were freaking.me.out. But I also was running really well so my brain said hey it's all good, I can keep going. Thankfully I'm somewhat smart and started carrying my school ID on me just in case anything were to happen out there on the roads. It finally reached the point where I didn't feel much "happier" and the hallucinations were happening too frequently for me to be OK with it any more. The withdrawal phase lasted about 2 weeks and was terrible.

So here I am, clinging to my Klon (okay, if I use 1 a week, that's a lot... no addictions happening here!), an unhappy mess of a person who just wants out of this small town and back to way things were when I was 23. I refuse to let my getting older put a damper on my social life (which in this town is basically nonexistent). But I want to make sure when it is time for me to leave this town, that I'm ready to be happy. I know it's not solely the town making me this way as I could be miserable probably anywhere, so I still need to get to the root of my own damn depression and hack away so that it can no longer feed my soul.

Here's to going out of 2013 with a bang!