I've decided that 2013 is just not not my year. My birthday lies in the beginning of January, so I can really say that being 25 is just not my style. I haven't give up complete hope to turn things around for the final days of my mid-20s, (here's looking at you, back-half 20s) but I just have a feeling when my birthday rolls around I'll be at ease.

Looking back, I'd forgotten the reason I started this blog (the trigger point if you will). I only returned because that same thing, the person causing me ill-will has come back on me with a vengeance.

I live in a very small town and while the people are nice, I'm not really surrounded  by the type of people I would have chosen to surround myself by if I were in a bigger metropolitan area. So when I had the opportunity to move into this 2 bedroom house super close to my work, I tried to think of who best here would suit me as a roommate. Well, the main option I could think of was, naturally, Sam. We had pretty much already lived together for a few months anyway and our living styles seem to mesh well. Having been apart from each other for over 2 months, I thought the wounds would be healed and we could go on living platonic-ally. Sam thought it was a great idea as well, so here we are today still living together.

I've had a very stressful Fall, as most all of the recruits I brought in turned out to be duds. So goes the gamble investing in 17-18 year olds as they head off to this whole new world of college. Kids were consistently late to practice or just not even showing up and I was cutting kids left and right. They started calling me "the deletor" around the athletics department because as of last week, in just my two years here, I've filled out 30 student-athlete delete forms. This is not something I would say I'm proud of, but is to be expected inheriting a bottom-level program.

Sam, also being a coach, has shared in my sentiment through most of the Fall. I've constantly been reminded that I cannot instill the want in the kids myself, if they don't want to truly be the best athlete they can be, I shouldn't take offense to it and just let them go. It sounds easier than what it is, trust me. As coaches, we invest everything (time, our own money, tears, bodies at times, etc) in the athletes, so when they could care less of the end result, it really hits you hard. Somewhere along the way though, Sam began to be annoyed with my athlete problems and basically didn't want to hear any more. Okay, I can deal with that, as all I had were negatives to say. But when things started turning around for the team (which, thankfully they have), Sam didn't want to hear the positives either. It was around this time that I felt as if I were walking on eggshells.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I obviously have my own emotional problems, so those surrounding me must deal with my ups and downs. However, Sam's were 100% predicable. We went to dinner a few nights ago and the entire car ride I was told "you're annoying me. I shouldn't have come." etc etc etc. Gee, thanks. Glad you're enjoying my presence. We spent about the first 5 minutes in silence at the table and the next 10 or so on our phones. The food came and I'm a slow eater, so when Sam was done eating, I felt like the time clock was ticking. As if I could not get done with my food quick enough for us to get out of there so we could leave each others' presence. Fantastic.

There are stories on stories I could tell about how Sam has added to my emotional instability (which was conveniently pointed out how emotionally unstable I am last night, gee thanks, I haven't know THAT for over a decade....), but it's not worth my time or anyone reading this. All I know is that I've placed myself in a toxic environment and should have known better. I'm still not sure why Sam even agreed to move in with me, but I know that decision is being doubted at this moment as we cannot even stand to look at one another.

I guess I can share a slight update, roommate and job stories aside. I was experiencing reoccurring anxiety problems this summer, pulling up to work and feeling like there was a huge weight on my chest. I've had panic attacks and rarely experienced anxiety throughout the years, but this was turning into an everyday thing. So, I went and saw my doctor about it and told him I have also been dealing with depression for quite some time now so I was put on both Klonopin and Zoloft.  I had tried Wellbutrin back in the day (was forced to by my mother, thanks mom!), but saw no results. I still feel like medicines simply mask the root of the problem, that we need to address WHY we're depressed. It can be chemically linked for all I care, but if at the end of the day I still don't love myself, it doesn't matter how much serotonin or whatever else you pump in me. Stepping off my soap box, the Klon has been SUPER helpful. I actually see more of an effect if I use half of one than the full pill. A quarter for minor anxiety does the trick as well.

Now for the Zoloft... My sister warned me that when she had gone on this drug that she experienced lock-jaw and wound up in the ER. Sure enough, that's one of the symptoms (muscle rigidity or something along those lines). The nurse practitioner warned me that things would be weird at first and that he would be easing me into the normal dosage. Sure enough on day 1 I was at a stop light and all of a sudden it was like the ground was moving. I experienced hallucinations quite frequently, especially if I would be on a run. I was training for a road race, so I was pounding the pavement a lot and these instances were freaking.me.out. But I also was running really well so my brain said hey it's all good, I can keep going. Thankfully I'm somewhat smart and started carrying my school ID on me just in case anything were to happen out there on the roads. It finally reached the point where I didn't feel much "happier" and the hallucinations were happening too frequently for me to be OK with it any more. The withdrawal phase lasted about 2 weeks and was terrible.

So here I am, clinging to my Klon (okay, if I use 1 a week, that's a lot... no addictions happening here!), an unhappy mess of a person who just wants out of this small town and back to way things were when I was 23. I refuse to let my getting older put a damper on my social life (which in this town is basically nonexistent). But I want to make sure when it is time for me to leave this town, that I'm ready to be happy. I know it's not solely the town making me this way as I could be miserable probably anywhere, so I still need to get to the root of my own damn depression and hack away so that it can no longer feed my soul.

Here's to going out of 2013 with a bang! 

The Blah

Today is one of those days where I feel no joy yet no sorrow. Thankfully I have a fun-filled trip to Colorado (ahhhhhhh mountains and dry air!!!!!) to look forward to for the remainder of the week, but I know today is/will be a struggle.

I hope it's not just me, and I have a feeling it isn't, but I hate that I put my happiness stock in others. What I mean is, I let others affect my moods. I am easily manipulated in an emotional sense. If someone says something crude to me, I will take offense to it and for the next few hours brood over it.

Currently, I invested a lot in... well I guess I'll label it a "significant other" (we'll call this person 'Sam') only to have it thrown back in my face time and time again. And I let it happen. I was one of those people stuck in that cyclical relationship, knowing I should get out, but couldn't. I actually did try a few times and Sam actually called it quits at one point too, only to come back 4 days later. We both knew the relationship was toxic, but for some reason we just couldn't get out of it. I called it a #boredinsmalltownUSA relationship because if we lived in more of a metro area, we probably never would have gotten together in the first place. Sam is by no means my "type." (I must add in that this was not a physical relationship. We literally would get off work and make dinner together, watch a movie, then go to bed. Kind of like an old married couple really.) We went to the beach a week ago after a week of being "off" and it was amazing, exactly what we needed.

This was exactly as peaceful as it looks. Perfection.

Then we returned back to reality the following day. Up and down up and down, 3 days with Sam ignoring me but I continued to persevere anyway. I was out of town all weekend for family things and rushed back for an important event to attend with Sam. I had driven 8 hours, sat outside baking in the heat for 3 hours for Sam and got no sort of "thanks" or anything close. I was invited to hang out that evening in a celebratory manner and put aside my exhaustion to do so. Without telling me, Sam decided to call it a day and head to bed instead of going to the event he had invited me to. For me, I actually held it together pretty well, but I was definitely pushed over the edge. This is just a taste of the things I have done and put aside for Sam. So finally I broke the cycle. Sam ignored my phone call so I just sent a message via facebook (funny how going to bed early turned into reading my facebook message right as I sent it an hour later...). I let most of my emotions out and just kept saying over and over again how I was tired. Yes, I am just so tired. Putting this person's needs ahead of mine, constantly worried if I was saying the right things, doing things on Sam's terms (we only hung out when Sam wanted to, it was rare for us to hang out if it was because I requested to do so). I know had I been allowed to talk face to face or at least on the phone, I would have been a lot more expressive, but I believe I got my point well enough across via the message. It was freeing yet nerve-wracking. I must mention that we do currently work in adjacent offices, but I will be gone for two weeks tomorrow and when I return Sam will be at a summer job a few hours away. I mentioned that perhaps it would be best we didn't see each other this last day I was in town, thinking Sam wouldn't be in the office today. Unfortunately I was wrong and Sam showed up for about an hour this afternoon. I handled it well seeing Sam's car outside and thankfully avoided running into one another. At this point, I can only hope that Sam too, can break the cycle and I won't see a generic text simply trying to initiate conversation once again from Sam in a few days. I guess if it does happen, it will just have to be my turn to ignore and this time, permanently.

I really didn't ever intend to get too personal with this blog, but I'm just so annoyed with how much I invest my own emotions into others. I should not let others control my happiness. This is one issue that has me stumped with my depression.

All I know is that right now I'm numb. Unfortunately not "Comfortably Numb" as Pink Floyd would lead me to believe. But the end is in sight. I know I have it in me to achieve real, true happiness. It's time to start living to my own accord and know only I can control my emotions. Others may try as they will to manipulate me, but in the end it is I who ultimately decides how to act/respond/feel.

The road to Happyness must initially start out as a road trip with one person behind the wheel, dictating where to go. But it is impossible to reach Happyness alone, eventually the car will need gas, the oil changed, etc., and I will have to slowly accept this.

Seeing Happiness

I wrote the following to a friend the other day. I'd like to think any of us that deal with depression fully know and understand what true happiness is, and even perhaps just how to achieve it. It's not like we don't want to be happy, we literally just can't.

"It's just sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in this big hole in the ground that has slippery walls and 0 footing and there is the word "happiness" written in the sky above and I'm continually clawing at the walls to reach up and achieve it. It's not like I don't want it and not that I'm not trying, but sometimes it's just impossible to obtain. Happiness is in my future though, true happiness, not temporary, so that's what keeps me fighting and clawing at the walls."

Sometimes outsiders who do not suffer from depression just don't get it. Trust me when I say that I understand happiness is a choice you must make. I attempt to make that every single day. Some days my mind says that is the right choice. Other days my mind says, 'Hah! Yeah right!' and thus come the bad days. 

On those bad days, I just wish someone was there for me to say, 'Gee. It's flared up again I see. Well, what can I do, bring you some ice cream?' This blog post about says it all: http://brokensaints.wordpress.com/2013/01/28/sometimes-i-wish/ If society better understood depression and how it deeply affects literally every function in that person's life, we honestly might be better off. Sometimes all we need is for someone to be there to show they care. We tend to become recluse for fear of social interaction (be it anxiety, worry, stress, etc.) and this is why often it is hard for us to find someone to care. We've already either scared or blown off everyone who had given at least a sliver of care to us and ostracized ourselves. 

With this, I recommend that all of us put our skittishness toward social interaction away every once in awhile and go make friends or re-establish friendships once lost. It is hard to have someone there for you on those bad days when all you've ever done is push people away. I definitely know I am guilty of this. 

True happiness involves engaging with others intimately. Without this, we are just floating through life alone. The pathway to Happyness revolves around picking others up along the way!

It all started with a nice gesture...

...that ended with me worried about the status of my job.

I guess I should back it up a little further to give some background. I'm a collegiate coach and have been battling depression since a very young age. My older sister likes to tell me I was born this alien in our family, as I was a ball of happy, always wanting to hug and love on everyone (our family didn't really express our love for each other in a physical or vocal way growing up). With her being 12 years older than I, she was out of the house by the time the happiness light went out in my soul. It was around freshman year of high school that I began to open up to her about how unhappy I was and from then on we found ourselves with an inseparable bond.

I have experienced many ups and downs throughout my quarter century life, but I am ever thankful for my Catholic upbringing to keep the downs at bay as best as possible. Reading others' experiences and knowing how bad I could have had it without my Faith keeps everything in perspective that I have it much better than I possibly could be experiencing. 

All things considered, this brings me to the present. We were heading to a competition and I was the only coach present on the bus (it was a strange weekend). Our departure time was 12:30pm and as we were rolling away at ~12:32, an athlete on the bus pointed out 3 athletes sliding through a fence. The bus driver (without me telling him to do so) stopped the bus and began backing it up toward them. I would just like to point out that the previous weekend for our conference competition I left an athlete behind for being late to the bus. Instead of making things awkward and telling the bus driver to put it back into drive and leave, I decided to wait for the athletes. They began to slowly amble toward the bus. This really put me into overdrive. We were already pulling out and then stopped and came back to get you and you WALK toward us as if the world were waiting on you? WOW. So I rip into them as they step onto the bus saying they should have shown some urgency in getting to the bus. One of the athletes decided to mouth off to me and I lose it. I mean I lose it. The F word starts flying from my mouth and the athlete and I go back and forth a few rounds. As we slowly pull out of the parking lot, the athlete still continues to mouth off so I lose it for the last time and tell him to, "shut the F up." Strike #3 on my end as I completely lost my cool and immediately regretted those 4 words. He says it back to me and tells me I shouldn't be treating him like that because I'm the coach (which although true, I'm still unclear on how that gives him the right to say it back to me). At this point I tell him he can now exit the bus, we will not be taking his negative attitude to the competition. He argues with me that he will not be leaving. I'm flabbergasted at this point. So I call the head coach who tells me to yes, kick him off. The athlete then calls the head coach to tell his story and ah-hah, my boss sticks by my side and sure enough the kid gets off the bus and we travel to our competition.

As we are traveling I began to get absolutely sick to my stomach. I text a couple friends about the situation and how I can see myself getting fired from this conflict. One of them replies, "seriously? He walked on and argued with you instead of being thankful that you waited for him? What's wrong with these kids?" Through my friends I was able to maintain a bit of sanity, but I knew I was still in the wrong.

We arrived at the competition and I went straight up to my boss and he just shook his head. This was blow-up #3 on the year and last year an assistant coach was suspended for two weeks for something lesser than this. He talks to me for a few moments and doesn't really reassure my feelings of insecurity about my job.

Low and behold a half hour goes by and the athlete shows up having driven himself. Eventually I go over to him and explain the situation. I said we both acted wrongly and I was glad he got himself to the competition because I was excited to see him do well. That's one thing these kids typically don't understand is that we're hard on them because we care. I took measures to the extreme, inappropriately so, but I still want these kids to be successful in life as well as athletics. He was understanding and we came to a better feel for each other. I could finally relax. My two friends chimed in "stop stressing so much" and "you're so uptight, chill!" Hah! Such easy advice to dish, yet in my experience, so extremely hard to abide by.

On the drive back after competition, I had just had it with myself. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of constantly worrying about everything. And I mean everything. It's rare for me to walk away from a a conversation and not doubt the words I just spoke ("Is that person going to view me differently now?" "I just screwed up, everything I said was wrong--- wrong, wrong wrong." etc.). I'm tired of getting anxious about every little thing. And most of all, I'm just tired of hating myself.

It's time for a change. A MAJOR change. I AM a great person and deserve to live a life as such.

So this is my pathway to Happyness (yes, with a 'y'). I have no clue what stops there will be along the way, but I do know that the ending is happy.