The Blah

Today is one of those days where I feel no joy yet no sorrow. Thankfully I have a fun-filled trip to Colorado (ahhhhhhh mountains and dry air!!!!!) to look forward to for the remainder of the week, but I know today is/will be a struggle.

I hope it's not just me, and I have a feeling it isn't, but I hate that I put my happiness stock in others. What I mean is, I let others affect my moods. I am easily manipulated in an emotional sense. If someone says something crude to me, I will take offense to it and for the next few hours brood over it.

Currently, I invested a lot in... well I guess I'll label it a "significant other" (we'll call this person 'Sam') only to have it thrown back in my face time and time again. And I let it happen. I was one of those people stuck in that cyclical relationship, knowing I should get out, but couldn't. I actually did try a few times and Sam actually called it quits at one point too, only to come back 4 days later. We both knew the relationship was toxic, but for some reason we just couldn't get out of it. I called it a #boredinsmalltownUSA relationship because if we lived in more of a metro area, we probably never would have gotten together in the first place. Sam is by no means my "type." (I must add in that this was not a physical relationship. We literally would get off work and make dinner together, watch a movie, then go to bed. Kind of like an old married couple really.) We went to the beach a week ago after a week of being "off" and it was amazing, exactly what we needed.

This was exactly as peaceful as it looks. Perfection.

Then we returned back to reality the following day. Up and down up and down, 3 days with Sam ignoring me but I continued to persevere anyway. I was out of town all weekend for family things and rushed back for an important event to attend with Sam. I had driven 8 hours, sat outside baking in the heat for 3 hours for Sam and got no sort of "thanks" or anything close. I was invited to hang out that evening in a celebratory manner and put aside my exhaustion to do so. Without telling me, Sam decided to call it a day and head to bed instead of going to the event he had invited me to. For me, I actually held it together pretty well, but I was definitely pushed over the edge. This is just a taste of the things I have done and put aside for Sam. So finally I broke the cycle. Sam ignored my phone call so I just sent a message via facebook (funny how going to bed early turned into reading my facebook message right as I sent it an hour later...). I let most of my emotions out and just kept saying over and over again how I was tired. Yes, I am just so tired. Putting this person's needs ahead of mine, constantly worried if I was saying the right things, doing things on Sam's terms (we only hung out when Sam wanted to, it was rare for us to hang out if it was because I requested to do so). I know had I been allowed to talk face to face or at least on the phone, I would have been a lot more expressive, but I believe I got my point well enough across via the message. It was freeing yet nerve-wracking. I must mention that we do currently work in adjacent offices, but I will be gone for two weeks tomorrow and when I return Sam will be at a summer job a few hours away. I mentioned that perhaps it would be best we didn't see each other this last day I was in town, thinking Sam wouldn't be in the office today. Unfortunately I was wrong and Sam showed up for about an hour this afternoon. I handled it well seeing Sam's car outside and thankfully avoided running into one another. At this point, I can only hope that Sam too, can break the cycle and I won't see a generic text simply trying to initiate conversation once again from Sam in a few days. I guess if it does happen, it will just have to be my turn to ignore and this time, permanently.

I really didn't ever intend to get too personal with this blog, but I'm just so annoyed with how much I invest my own emotions into others. I should not let others control my happiness. This is one issue that has me stumped with my depression.

All I know is that right now I'm numb. Unfortunately not "Comfortably Numb" as Pink Floyd would lead me to believe. But the end is in sight. I know I have it in me to achieve real, true happiness. It's time to start living to my own accord and know only I can control my emotions. Others may try as they will to manipulate me, but in the end it is I who ultimately decides how to act/respond/feel.

The road to Happyness must initially start out as a road trip with one person behind the wheel, dictating where to go. But it is impossible to reach Happyness alone, eventually the car will need gas, the oil changed, etc., and I will have to slowly accept this.